Victorious Queen: A Scapegoat's Journey to Freedom and the Redemptive Power of Christ

Coach: Hi! Welcome to the chat :) Coach: What brings you to the chat? Me: Hi thank you. I am a Christian. I've been wanting to explore what it means to be a woman. Because I felt like my dignity was hurt a lot when growing up.  And I've been wanting to have a backbone as a woman and not look towards others treatment towards me to find my womanhood.  Coach: Sure  Me: I think chatting would help me. I don't know if your willing to give me journaling questions that I could reflect on on here. Like any questions.  I've been keeping a journal to write down journaling questions that are good for reflection. Coach: ok. How's that been for you?  Me: It's going well.  I guess I can ask myself too.    1) What does it mean to be a woman to you?   To me, being a woman means to be worthy to be admired and desired by a man.  2) What do you think was lacking in your childhood?  Well, I felt like my dad made me feel like no man would ever desire fo...

I would feel triggered when seeing other parents prioritize their children because my mom never clung to me that way whether in person or around other people. I needed to let my heart unthaw and needed validation for how I felt as well as acknowledge what I missed receiving from my mom and how it affected me. I acknowledged that I felt a culture shock and was waking up to what I should've had and this realization, while painful, is also a part of reclaiming my worth and my voice. I was never the problem. I was just someone deeply in need of love, consistency, and acknowledgement – and those needs are still sacred now. I’m not alone in this journey. I’m making sense of it and I’m healing – even in midst of the ache. What I had to be honest about: • My mom made me feel like a stranger in my own home • She showed a warm, caring face to others while showing me indifference or contempt behind closed doors, leaving me questioning my own reality • I felt like my mom was ashamed of me and ...

I Felt Lost I thought I had to make sense of my life in order to feel worthy or valued. I didn't know who I was then and neither did I know what was happening and why. And people boasted about themselves when they were living the "good life" and were confident in themselves. I wasn't confident like that and had a lot of insecurities, doubts, and low self-esteem. I was collecting the evidence and trying to put it together and nothing was adding up or making sense to me and I started feeling like a loser like as if I didn't matter just because I was being mistreated and couldn't figure out why and didn't know fully my identity. I felt lost.  Jesus Came For the Lost Sheep of Israel But Jesus said He came for the lost sheep of Israel. Therefore He loves those lost sheep and sees them as people with value and worth because of who He is and His plans for them. I was wrong about myself back then. Life wasn't meant to be rushed through and forgotten at that ti...

Adjusting   When our old self had grown up living in "survival mode" with abusive parents, it may at first be hard to adjust to a life where there's no abuse. By this I mean, the mind and the body remember the trauma that was faced and the fear associated with it as well as the defense mechanisms. But now after you've cut ties with and left your family, you are in an entirely new environment and don't need to worry about being abused. However, you still find yourself in that mental state of "what if?" As if you still need to be paranoid about it or be prepared and cautious in case it ever happens again. This is something that you must let go of and shift your mindset to being oriented to receiving love from others and expecting it. Though you know you don't tolerate abuse, it's also important to learn to live without the fear of it.  Truth: You have to look at the past abuse as something to let go of and never to be faced again.  Letting Go It...

When is it My Turn?  When is it my turn to live? I always felt like I was waiting for something. Like my moms approval to start living. I felt kept in the shadows waiting for her to see me as a woman. Or to consider my life as individually valuable. But I was just kinda there. There was no personal attention to the fact that I had my own life. It looked so blurred and enmeshed into my surroundings that I felt like a mere spectator who's individual identity and life seemed invisible, almost to the point where I felt non-existent.  What Did I Miss? And now as a grown adult when strangers speak to me, I hear in their voice some kind of respect to my dignity and personal identity that I had clearly missed out on. "When was I supposed to receive that?" I thought to myself as I said bye to the delivery man and closed the front door. What I Was Supposed to Receive  Being treated like an adult. It was normal of course but why didn't I deserve it? Something deep in me just fe...

Looking Beyond Mistakes  God's perfect plan is way beyond my mistakes because His plan was created for me even when He knew my sins and mistakes. Just how He had a plan for humanity before Adam and Eve disobeyed. Can I trust that God is still for me and with me and still will work everything out for good no matter what my mistakes are? He created me from the dust and always continues to bring me forth from glory to glory despite my mistakes. I just want to trust Him and see things from a perspective of His plans to prosper me. Disappointments aren't the end of the world. God continues to work in my life and help me to move forward in His perfect plan.  Slow Down to Enjoy the Journey with God I want to enjoy this healing journey with God, even when things aren't going my way and there are "disappointments." I want to embrace the way God is walking me through this in all its perfection because He knows best what I need.  Letting God Perfect You Being confident in th...