Faithfulness

Coach: Hi! Welcome to the chat :)

Me: Hi, sorry about the delay. 

Coach: Welcome back :) no worries

Me: This morning I was reflecting on the journaling questions God gave me in our last session. Remember? I was answering the questions God was giving me about how I felt when my dad neglected me. 

I was reading through them in my notes and specifically I stopped at #9

9) How did this comparison look like and make you feel? "Well, he would tell me things like "isn't she amazing? Isn't she? Isn't she?" And it made me feel like he was forcing me to say yes and agree. And if I didn't then he would see me as someone who didn't love her sister. I also felt jealous and I didn't want him to see that. And I felt like jealousy was forbidden even if he compared me and forced me to agree with him. So I felt a lot of guilt and shame for my true emotions because I wasn't even allowed to feel hurt and jealous otherwise it was wrong in their eyes and they would've seen me as an evil sister."

I stopped here because God gave me a major breakthrough realization.

I saw that I had looked at myself as weak for having those feeling of pain and jealousy. Because I knew jealousy is wrong. And I felt like I shouldn't be upset even if my dad compares me to my sister or neglects me. And when my dad called me weak and so did my relatives, it reinforced that belief I had about myself. 

Coach: Got it

Me: I wasn't allowing myself the space to react to things or the space to feel. 

Coach: What's it like to notice that you weren't allowing yourself space?

Me: I felt like I was really hard on myself as if weakness wasn't allowed. And by weakness I mean I was judging myself for being upset when my dad was comparing me. And I see how hard that is for a child. 

Coach: For sure and how impactful that can be - a grown adult speaking that way to or about a child - for the mind of the child it can be difficult to understand

Me: Yes. There was an inner reality and an outer reality. And both had something that was not based on the truth. And when those two things clashed it created this false perception that being upset or hurt is a weakness no matter what. 

That's what I mean when I say I wasn't giving myself space.

A lot of my inner reality is based on how I thought and made sense of the experiences and situations around me. And how I thought and made sense of myself according to how I was treated and what I felt.

Coach: For sure 

Me: I felt very vulnerable.

Coach: As a child you are vulnerable

Me: And I wanted to hide that

And it was really obvious that I was vulnerable, hurt, jealous, and offended. And it made me even more vulnerable that I knew my dad noticed it and would continue hurting me. 

Coach: It was not safe to be vulnerable when you don't feel protected by the adults in your home

Me: Yes, exactly. 

My inner reactions to his neglect became like a prison for me because I knew they weren't hidden and rather I felt like I was being shamed and judged for them.

My feelings even when not expressed became a crime to them

And that's what bothered me. That I didn't have privacy in my own mind.

Every thought. Every feeling. It was being watched and judged by my dad.

And my mom too

Coach: Well you perceived you didn't have any privacy in your mind - they can't actually read your mind telepathically- the violation was so big and it felt destabilizing and felt like you had no place to feel safe or hide

Me: They knew how comparing me to my sister would make me feel. But they continued that for a long time. And whenever I felt hurt or jealous I also felt defeated because I knew they knew I felt like that and that's what they wanted me to feel. I felt like I was trying so hard not to feel hurt and jealous but I didn't know how to get out of that considering their mistreatment.

Coach: You felt alone and how does a child navigate that and your feelings - our parents are meant to show us how to do that

You were trying to find your way without a map or compass

Me: Actually they did know how I felt because once my dad said "I know you think I love your sister more than you but don't doubt me." This was when I was much older. But he was saying that just to cover himself. Because his comparisons did not stop even after that comment. He knew what he was doing and he also knew how it made me feel. He said "I know you think I love her more but you're just not saying it." But he wasn't saying this out of love. Behind his words was "But you're wrong for feeling that way. And I'm not allowing you to feel that way because I love you both equally." But his words did not match with his actions. He emotionally abandoned me after my sister was born, changed his behavior, acted like he's not on my side anymore or my dad, and compared me to my sister always criticizing me and favoring her over me.

Coach: What was the like for you?

Me: Yes you are right. I had no idea why this was going on and who I was and how I was supposed to handle all this. I was trying to find a way but nothing was working for me. So I just put walls around my heart as defense mechanisms. I became prideful for "being spiritual" and "better than them" because I didn't behave like them. This was a very sinful way to react or handle this. I didn't know how to forgive especially when their hurtful behaviors were repeated. I wanted to find out how to forgive them but I didn't know how to love. So I tried making excuses for their behavior like maybe it's because they were treated that way or maybe they don't mean it or maybe this or maybe that. But even those excuses were not providing me mental clarity or relief of any sort from my pain. Their behaviors were not justifiable because they were doing wrong to me for no reason and that was the reality I struggled to accept. That they hated me and I couldn't do anything about it. So I Internalized all my anger and emotions because I couldn't express it towards them. I began to hate myself and went into self destruction mode emotionally since I didn't know how to let go of my anger in a healthy way. I was looking for an escape and couldn't run away physically or find emotional relief. I felt like I was trapped in the prison of my own mind and felt like I just needed someone who loves me.

Coach: Often we yearn for things that were not provided to us by those closest to us 

Me: Yes, true. 

This caused a lot of loneliness and when I was a teenager it led me to have two online relationships with older men one after another. It was very bad and they were predators. At the time I didn't know that men could pretend so well and be who they think I want a man to be for 2 years until they get bored and show their true side. And then I didn't know that psychopaths existed like that who spiritually abuse and take advantage of weak girls who are looking for a dad's love and have already been deceived. I went through all that and came out of it.

Coach: Humans are meant to look for social belonging and acceptance from others and it sounds like you and those men were looking for the same but with different reasons.

What's it like to realize you've come out of it?

Me: Because I went through those two online relationships it messed up how I saw myself. I started to see myself as weak and an adultress. But I struggled with looking at myself as a little girl who just didn't understand why her parents hated her and emotionally abandoned her and kept comparing her to her sister. I was looking for answers and it led me down a wrong path. 

Coach: You were trying to make sense of your experience and look for human connection

Me: Yes 

After coming out of it God had restored me and helped me to understand that it was not my fault though I had slipped into those two bad relationships. He helped me to see that if I had just known why my parents hated me and how it's not my fault, and how there was hope for me, I would've not made those decisions. But God had a plan for me and sometimes He allows me to go through things to see a deeper reality. This is something I'm still waiting for God to reveal to me but I know He allowed this for a reason. It could be to show me how people are so I can be careful in the future. Or it could also be to teach those other men a lesson to not mess with young girls or anyone for that matter. It could've been to show me how to help others who've been through something similar. There could be many reasons. I don't want to beat myself up about it. I want to have grace for myself but in a truthful way. I know God has forgiven me but have I forgiven myself? That's something I still wonder. And what would it take for me to forgive myself? I believe that before these two online relationships I did want to be so faithful as a wife. I still do. But something was shattered. Like how a vase shatters.

Coach: You said something was shattered - what was that something?

Me: And what happened was that growing up my parents spoke against me getting married and they condemned and shamed my desire for marriage saying how it was a wordly thing and if I wanna be spiritual then I can't desire for marriage. My dad said marriage wasn't meant for me. My parents didn't allow dating and the culture was about arranged marriages. I knew that they wanted to postpone me getting married for as long as possible and I got curious about how sex and romantic relationships would feel like. I felt like it would be so long to wait until 35 to even know what sex felt like so I just thought maybe having a male friend would help me to cope. And when I found a "male friend" online I wasn't looking for sex I just wanted to chat and connect and maybe have a dad figure or be noticed. And he manipulated me into sex chatting and though I let it happen I feel like I wasn't comfortable with it but my mind was tricked. After 2 years I found out he's not who he pretended to be and I felt like I was mentally raped because this wasn't what I consented to. That's when I realized what I had done and it hurt how I saw myself and how I saw God. 

I think it was my trust in faithfulness, in life, in who I am, in how I saw God - this all was shattered and I didn't know how to redefine everything in the face of what I had gotten myself into. I felt so broken.

So I shut down. 

Coach: You can't blame yourself for another person's actions - he manipulated you he "tricked" you

Me: I never wanted to get myself into that. It only happened because I didn't know I had the power to leave my family and cut ties with them - that a man would ever want me as a wife and that God would still forgive me and that He never left me. I didn't know these things at the time.

At age 23 I came to Christ and realized I'm forgiven and God loves me and He was watching me all that time and knew He had plans for me. Good plans. To remove me from my family and give me a Christian husband and make something out of my life to glorify Him. He didn't see me as useless. He was just waiting to pick me up from home.

Coach: Give yourself some compassion over that - you didn't know it happens. You were searching for human connection and it came through a person who was ill-intentioned while your intentions were not malicious but honest

Me: That's something that I had been struggling to accept and understand. That I didn't have ill intentions. And this is because my parents viewed me as a whore from the beginning. When I was a child they looked at me as if I desired for sex in a bad way. When I didn't. I wanted to just be a faithful wife and had a love for marriage. That's what God is showing me. That I wasn't who my parents saw me as. And those online relationships didn't happen because I was a "whore" - They happened because I didn't have full understanding of why I was hated by my parents and that there was a way out. That I just had to trust God and wait on Him.

It was the spiral of shame that had led me down that dark path but now I'm out of there. I'm only recovering and processing my thought process from back then and reflecting on the truth so I can heal.

I believe that shattered vase can come back together again as if it never had shattered to begin with. I believe that is being restored now.

Coach: Unlike a vase that can't return to its original form without cracks you can start again - you can always start again at any time

that's the resiliency that exists within humans within you

Me: I can trust in faithfulness again 

Coach: Our time to chat is about to end - are there any last comments or questions before we part ways?

Me: And God doesn't see me according to my sins. He sees me according to His lovingkindness.

Those are my last thoughts in this chat

I thank you for your time and commitment to offer support. This has been helpful for me in a deep way.

Coach: Absolutely you're welcome and good work. It takes much courage and honesty to work on yourself in this way. Bye now :)

Me: Bye