Woman Enough?

Coach: Hi! Welcome to the chat :)

Coach: What brings you to the chat?

Me: Hi thank you. I am a Christian. I've been wanting to explore what it means to be a woman. Because I felt like my dignity was hurt a lot when growing up. 

And I've been wanting to have a backbone as a woman and not look towards others treatment towards me to find my womanhood. 

Coach: Sure 

Me: I think chatting would help me. I don't know if your willing to give me journaling questions that I could reflect on on here. Like any questions. 

I've been keeping a journal to write down journaling questions that are good for reflection.

Coach: ok. How's that been for you? 

Me: It's going well. 

I guess I can ask myself too.   

1) What does it mean to be a woman to you? 

To me, being a woman means to be worthy to be admired and desired by a man. 

2) What do you think was lacking in your childhood? 

Well, I felt like my dad made me feel like no man would ever desire for me because I'm not good enough as a woman. 

Coach: I see 

Me: 

3) How did that make you feel? 

It made me feel very hurt deep down like it hurt my dignity as a woman even though I was 3 years old. 

4) Can you explain to me what your dad did to you? 

Well, when I was 3 and my sister was born, I was expecting my dad to at least tell me that it won't change his love for me. I was expecting communication. It didn't come. I was expecting him to establish a relationship. It didn't come. And suddenly he emotionally abandoned me after she was born as if I'm no longer his daughter to attend to. 

5) How did that make you feel?

Well, I felt like I was screaming inside but I couldn't get it out. I had to be patient for daddy so he doesn't think I'm selfish. And I felt like if I cried and complained or even told him gently, he would accuse me of not being understanding and being selfish for demanding attention. Because they were in the process of moving. 

6) What was your thought process during that time of transition?

Well, I thought to myself: Mom and dad are moving away and they're having a new baby. I think I should wait. I know they're going through a lot. A new baby and moving. Maybe their attention will return after we move out and the baby gets a little more older. I will wait and see what happens. If they really love me the love would eventually return, right? I hope they also see how I've been so patient and I want them to see it and recognize my patience and say something like, "we are sorry we haven't been giving you much attention, sweetheart. You've been so patient as we move. Thank you for being such a good little girl." 

Coach: Right

Me: 

7) What happened after the move and after the baby grew up a little? 

Well, the attention and love didn't come back as I expected. Neither did the communication. And my patience and tolerance of their neglect was not being seen. 

8) How did they treat you instead? 

Well, when I was waiting for daddy's soft and gentle nurture and for my parents to establish a relationship with me, instead they started looking at me like I was evil. They changed their behavior towards me as if I'm not their daughter anymore. My dad got aggressive and would yell at me about little things. He started comparing me to my sister. 

9) How did this comparison look like and make you feel?

Well, he would tell me things like "isn't she amazing? Isn't she? Isn't she?" And it made me feel like he was forcing me to say yes and agree. And if I didn't then he would see me as someone who didn't love her sister. I also felt jealous and I didn't want him to see that. And I felt like jealousy was forbidden even if he compared me and forced me to agree with him. So I felt a lot of guilt and shame for my true emotions because I wasn't even allowed to feel hurt and jealous otherwise it was wrong in their eyes and they would've seen me as an evil sister.

10) What kind of doubts did you have during that time?

I suspected that my parents may have emotionally abandoned me because they found my sister to be more of God's child. And they made me feel like I was from the evil one. As in the devil. And it scared me. I felt like what are they spiritually sensing about me? Why do they think I'm unloving towards my sister? Is this why they neglected me? Am I doing something wrong or not loving my sister enough in my heart? My parents gave me attention before she was born and if both of them switched up on me treating me badly after my sister's birth then they must be sensing something about me that I can't see.

Coach: I see 

Me: 

11) How did this affect your relationship with your dad?

I felt like in order to get love from my dad and both of my parents, I had to prove to them first that I loved my sister. And I didn't know how to do that but to keep constantly agreeing with my dad when he compared and praised my sister. And forced me to agree. I couldn't show any resistance. I thought maybe he will see that I'm submitting to him and "loving my sister" and then he will see that I'm not hateful towards her. Maybe then he will love me individually as his daughter. Maybe just then the love and attention will come back to me. 

12) What were you doing internally in your mind during this phase?

Internally, I felt like I was being conditioned to be a people-pleaser. I had completely neglected and abandoned my own needs for love, acceptance, and nurture as an individual from my parents. I had pretended like that didn't matter in order to prove myself as not selfish when my dad suddenly changed his behavior and started yelling at me. I thought maybe I'll just behave how he wants me to now even though he's treating me like a military person and like a boy to toughen up and not like a little girl. Once daddy's love returns, I can stop "acting" and then live normally from my heart and express myself freely. Then I can retrieve that part of me that I abandoned and then everything can work out. I just have to prove to him that I'm not selfish and I don't hate my sister and that I'm obeying him.

13) What did this do to your dignity?

I felt like I had allowed him to trample over my dignity as he showered my sister with love, affection, teasing, and compliments while forcing me to agree and while he deprived me of attention. I thought, I know I love her but why is he emphasizing this so much and why is he trying to show it off and force me to love her like a dad would? I'm not her dad. I'm not a man. Why is dad trying to make me love my sister like a man?

14) What did this do to your mind as a little girl?

I felt like my childhood was over and I couldn't be a little girl. I was forced to be a man who loved my sister like a dad. It did something in me mentally where I started acting all tough on the outside but deep down inside I was still that 3 year old little girl who was waiting for daddy's love once the "acting" was over and he understood the truth of who I am. I felt like why do I have to prove myself like this? Also I started wondering, "what's so special about her." I felt like my womanhood was being rejected as a little girl and something was being conveyed to my soul by my dad. As if he and my mom were telling me that I'm not worthy for daddys love as a little girl and that means that no man would love me either. That I'm not worthy to be desired by a man because there's something evil or wicked about me that only they know or can see. I stopped trusting in myself and trusted theirs and other people's reactions towards me because my parents and relatives and guests would also show favor towards my sister and they showed partiality. I became paranoid wondering what's wrong with me and why I don't feel worthy of love. I just wanted to see an older dad figure tease me or treat me like a little girl. See me for who I am and value and cherish me in a comfortable way where I feel belonged. I wanted that but as my parents behavior never changed I stopped caring and it became the norm like I was sort of conditioned to being treated that way though it hurt daily and I would try figuring out what's going on. When I tried talking to my sister she didn't believe me nor understand. They made me feel like I'm the crazy one and they would gaslight me a lot. 

Christian Perspective: What God Helped Me to Realize:

1. What does it mean to be a woman? 

It means to forgive those who have wronged me and hurt me, those who have despitefully used me. 

2. What do you think you had in your childhood that you weren't lacking? 

My Heavenly Father's discipline. He allowed my dad to neglect me so that I wouldn't be drawn away from God into the ways of the world. God didn't want me to forget Him so He disciplined me. 

3. What did you learn from repeated disappointments of your dad's love not returning to you after your sister's birth? 

I learned that I wasn't truly forgiving or being patient but that I was holding onto grudges, resentment, and expectations from man in order for me to continue living. 

4. How could you have thought differently? 

I could have put my expectation from God and not from my dad. I could've trusted God's plan for me even when I didn't know why I was going through neglect. I could've chosen to forgive my parents and not hold grudges, resentment, or expectations from them to love me. 

5. As a Christian, how does it look different to you in regards of what it means to be a woman? 

Well, I learned that just because my parents didn't admire or desire for me doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not admirable or desirable in God's eyes. God delights in me even when I mess up. He allows me to go through things so that I remain close to Him and have that perfect relationship with Him. I can tell God has been pursuing me by making sure He never let me go astray from Him. God desires for me to want Him only, for Himself. And this required me to walk through a path of being neglected by my parents and compared to with my sister. The discipline felt painful in the moment but now I see that it was only for my benefit so that I don't puff up with pride and so I don't get distracted in the ways of the world where I wouldn't have sought for God. 

6. What does this say about how much God loves you? 

This means that God really planned out my life with intention. That He created me for Himself and wanted me for Him. That He made everything perfect in its time so that I may be perfect and lack nothing. So that He can discipline me and teach me about how to have true patience with a strong faith, being ready to forgive others even when I don't know everything except the fact that God is faithful to me and only wants best for me. 

7. What can you take from these lessons now? 

I want to be willing to forgive others quickly even when I feel deep pain. I want to trust God and be faithful to Him by obeying Him, knowing that He's working everything out for my good. I never want to doubt God's fairness or who I am as His child or who He is to me. I want to move forward with grace because I trust that I am complete. 

8. What can you say about yourself now as a woman? 

I am only a woman because God created me for His glory. Repentance is what makes me woman. Because my sins are forgiven and I have a relationship with God. If anyone likes me it's because God put them in my life. If anyone hates me then I'm persecuted for righteousness sake. And that's what makes me a woman - my heart for God. Just as how King David was a man after God's own heart, I too want to be a woman after God's own heart because I love Him and want to please Him. 

9. How does it look like to be a woman of God? 

Fearless. Not caring what others think about me. But only caring to please God and obey Him, fearing Him alone and serving Him. Being bold about my faith and intentional in loving Him with my whole heart no matter what anyone thinks. Not being ashamed of the Gospel and shining my light BRIGHT. 

10. Does it matter that you couldn't express yourself in the past? 

No. Because I have the power to forgive now because of what Jesus did for me on the cross. I can forgive every person and every moment that prevented me from expressing myself like I should. I can let that go and trust God that He will help me to be bold and courageous from now on. And faithful to forgive me of my sins.