Honor From God

When is it My Turn? 
When is it my turn to live? I always felt like I was waiting for something. Like my moms approval to start living. I felt kept in the shadows waiting for her to see me as a woman. Or to consider my life as individually valuable. But I was just kinda there. There was no personal attention to the fact that I had my own life. It looked so blurred and enmeshed into my surroundings that I felt like a mere spectator who's individual identity and life seemed invisible, almost to the point where I felt non-existent. 

What Did I Miss?
And now as a grown adult when strangers speak to me, I hear in their voice some kind of respect to my dignity and personal identity that I had clearly missed out on. "When was I supposed to receive that?" I thought to myself as I said bye to the delivery man and closed the front door.

What I Was Supposed to Receive 
Being treated like an adult. It was normal of course but why didn't I deserve it? Something deep in me just felt missing and it kept surfacing up whenever people would speak to me with respect. This respect was something I was supposed to receive even as a toddler. It wasn't supposed to be earned or deserved. It wasn't supposed to be waited for until a certain age even though becoming a teenager and adult still didn't make them respect me. When was I supposed to be spoken to like that? I was scratching my head, trying to make sense out of life knowing that it was a kind of trauma I didn't have any words for. I call it "the identity gap." It's when you felt like you can't become an adult until your parents respect you so you are mentally stuck in that dependent mind of a child despite growing up and being treated like an adult by others. 

Time to Heal
Why did it matter so much that I received respect from my parents in order to move on with my life and feel considered? I think there's something in a heart of a girl that longs to be seen. But now it's time to heal and actually move on. I can't let this keep me stuck. 

Acceptance of the Truth
I had to accept the hard truth that my parents never respected me. But that I was always worthy of that respect. I must forgive, knowing that God will restore every part of my being so that I truly feel worthy and respected, independent from how my parents saw me. The honor and respect I receive must be rooted in Christ, not in experiences - only then can I walk with strength.

John 5:44 KJV
[44] How can ye believe, which receive honour one of another, and seek not the honour that cometh from God only?

Being Disciplined by God is an Honor 
The honor we receive from God is different. It holds us up even when man let's us down. I didn't need my parents' approval to have respect for my own life. When I look to how God wants my heart to be oriented, things start making sense to me. I am not meant to live the same kind of life that ordinary people do when they rely on man's treatment towards them for the basic foundation of their confidence. I'm supposed to make God my confidence so that when I am dishonored, I still stand strong in my faith. This wasn't about my upbringing. It was about being disciplined to seek honor from God alone. 

Strength From God
I'm not telling you to throw your past away. I'm telling you to look at it with new eyes and see how God was disciplining you in His marvelous plan to bring about a strength in you that can't be shaken by the persecutions that come your way. You are strong because God has disciplined you. 

God's Ways Are Higher 
Isaiah 55:8-9 KJV
[8] For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. [9] For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Prayer:
God, thank You for disciplining me so that I seek honor that comes from You alone, in Jesus name Amen. 

Encouragement:
Its time to let go of old expectations and embrace the truth that you received from being disciplined by God. 

Truth: I didn't need my parents to respect me in order to receive honor from God. 

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